Everyone’s Wingman

I’m not some top-notch, grade-a, tanned, and successful adult. Sadly, you’ll realize this shortly. I’m not dictating this introduction to a well-scrubbed, starry-eyed underling in my luxury car, interrupted only by nosebleeds that I insist are simply the result of my allergic reaction to a tastefully expensive leather interior. No, I’m basically the guy who has made it by after being nothing more than a world-class stone in society’s shoe and doesn’t mind letting you inside his life for a look around. Just make sure you take your shoes off. Here are all the tips you need to achieve fine living.

Spring 2013

I’d like to think that I’m honest with everyone I encounter and that they’re just as honest with me. Once when asked by a girl who I was dating if I thought she needed to lose weight, I responded that I believe we all could stand to lose a few el-bee’s. However, should your particular case happen (hasn’t to me… yet), I would probably bite my tongue. I’ve never been one to know much about women’s fashion. And, most importantly, you should decide if you really want to suffer horribly for the next few days. Trust me, if she looks bad, she’ll find out soon enough from the body language of the women she encounters.

“This woman I’m seeing is richer and more successful than I am. I dig her a lot, but I’m worried I’ll turn into another piece of arm candy. Any thoughts?”

I have, admittedly, dated women much wealthier and better-known than I could ever aspire to be. And yet, I have never been an accessory. I care very little for money, though it’s nice to have and generally funds the mischievous little trips I book here and there. I guess I always blindly assumed I had much to offer, if not in wealth then in wit, charm, a manly beauty, and a little joie de vivre. I guess all I can really recommend is to respect yourself, brother. That this woman digs you is proof enough of your worth to her.

“Why is it that a woman assumes that a good-looking man dressed in very fashionable clothes is gay?“

Because you didn’t asked her out, bro.

Winter 2013

“Where did the phrase ‘fashionably late’ come from? And really, who ever thought that it was cool to be late?”

I was raised by a mother whose parties were never ready on time. Granted, she raised me as a single parent and I could have been much more helpful. But, If you were told that her party started at 7pm, the drinks and food would be ready by roughly 8:30. Growing up, I always figured it was rude to be on time. I think that one should always arrive at least fifteen minutes after the time stated on the invitation. Have you not noticed that if you arrive on the hour, the hostess is still getting dressed; she’s not ready, and you’re the first one there? The “fashionable” idea is that if you are concerned with making an impression, you want the party to have reached a quorum before you make your entrance. If it’s a dinner party, however, and you arrive half an hour after the invited time, you’re not fashionable, you’re just plain late, and at an hour late you’re an asshole.

“There’s this guy that I really like, but he only texts — never calls. And even then, it’s usually just late at night. I called him out and he says he’s overwhelmed with work. Suggestions???”

Was this me? Were you texting me? No, in all seriousness, this guy is probably into you, but for none of the reasons you’d want to hear. You calling him out probably scared him off enough, but, just in case, drop him. Trust me: guys like me are almost never worth your time. And, if that’s not enough, then check out http://www.hetexted.com. You’re not alone! Stay strong!

“I want to surprise my girlfriend with a trip this summer. Somewhere fun and not obvious. Any thoughts?”

Depends on your budget. I’ll give you credit and say you’re smarter than most men in planning this trip out this far in advance. Start setting spending money aside now and get your tickets within the next month or so (http://www.kayak.com and http://www.farecast.com are great for finding deals). If you’re looking to stay in the States, New Orleans is probably the most fun city I’ve ever been to, but it gets hot as all hell. Florence is a phenomenal city with the friendliest of locals. I just came back from a trip to Paris that was incredible as well. Avoid the southern hemisphere, as you’ll be entering their fall/chilly season. Regardless, make sure you save up enough cash. A wise friend of mine once said that being broke and in a relationship were synonymous. Good luck in proving him wrong!

“What is your take on fake glasses? My vision is fine, but I dig the look.”

I’m an avid fan of the look. I wear lense-less frames, though it was always as an effort to hide the bags under my eyes. Now I’m comfortable with the road-worn maturity these dark circles bring (how many times do I have to say this to myself before it’s true?), so I’ll be retracting the look for the foreseeable future. Glasses add IQ appeal. People always look smarter in them. Anyways, I say better fake glasses than a useless tattoo. At least they’re removable. The key is to be nonchalant about it. If you’re going to try it, go for it and don’t fucking look back.

“I’m interested in this girl, but she doesn’t really seem to feel that way about me. Got any tricks to win a girl’s affection?”

My man, I’ve gone through exactly this. Hell, I’ve even written about it (search ‘Good Women Who Made Dirty Friends’). You can be charming, show her a damn good time, and even win her friends over, but if she thinks you’re just friends, nothing in your power will beguile her. The girl always picks the guy. Most of the time it’s the wrong guy, but c’est la vie (have I mentioned that I recently returned from Paris?). You probably waited too long to make a move on this one, so I will bequeath to you the sole successful technique I know for wooing a seemingly unavailable woman: wait twenty years. By that time, she may be divorced and a little desperate. However, hopefully by then you’ve found someone more suitable.

“What’s the rule for shaving? Should it be done in the shower or after? Maybe another time of the day?”

I cannot grow a decent mustache/goatee/soul patch/beard to save my life. I shave about once every five days. That being said, on those 5th days I very much adhere to modern man’s Shit, Shower, Shave rule. I find the shower softens up my skin, which is why I’m sure barbers use a hot towel for the same reason. After coffee is a good rule, too; it’s best to be really awake before putting a blade to the face.

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Got questions? Feel free to email them to christian.rangel3@gmail.com or tweet to @crangel7. #everyoneswingman