I’m not some top-notch, grade-a, tanned, and successful adult. Sadly, you’ll realize this shortly. I’m not dictating this introduction to a well-scrubbed, starry-eyed underling in my luxury car, interrupted only by nosebleeds that I insist are simply the result of my allergic reaction to a tastefully expensive leather interior. No, I’m basically the guy who has made it by after being nothing more than a world-class stone in society’s shoe and doesn’t mind letting you inside his life for a look around. Just make sure you take your shoes off. Here are all the tips you need to achieve fine living.
“Can you please explain to me why every man in GQ wears jeans that are an inch above his ankles? Am I the only one who thinks it looks ridiculous?”
“If your girlfriend comes out of the bedroom wearing something completely ridiculous, do you say something or not? I always say something and we get in a huge fight. Does this happen to you?”
“This woman I’m seeing is richer and more successful than I am. I dig her a lot, but I’m worried I’ll turn into another piece of arm candy. Any thoughts?”
“Why is it that a woman assumes that a good-looking man dressed in very fashionable clothes is gay?“
Because you didn’t asked her out, bro.
“Where did the phrase ‘fashionably late’ come from? And really, who ever thought that it was cool to be late?”
I was raised by a mother whose parties were never ready on time. Granted, she raised me as a single parent and I could have been much more helpful. But, If you were told that her party started at 7pm, the drinks and food would be ready by roughly 8:30. Growing up, I always figured it was rude to be on time. I think that one should always arrive at least fifteen minutes after the time stated on the invitation. Have you not noticed that if you arrive on the hour, the hostess is still getting dressed; she’s not ready, and you’re the first one there? The “fashionable” idea is that if you are concerned with making an impression, you want the party to have reached a quorum before you make your entrance. If it’s a dinner party, however, and you arrive half an hour after the invited time, you’re not fashionable, you’re just plain late, and at an hour late you’re an asshole.
“There’s this guy that I really like, but he only texts — never calls. And even then, it’s usually just late at night. I called him out and he says he’s overwhelmed with work. Suggestions???”
Was this me? Were you texting me? No, in all seriousness, this guy is probably into you, but for none of the reasons you’d want to hear. You calling him out probably scared him off enough, but, just in case, drop him. Trust me: guys like me are almost never worth your time. And, if that’s not enough, then check out http://www.hetexted.com. You’re not alone! Stay strong!
“I want to surprise my girlfriend with a trip this summer. Somewhere fun and not obvious. Any thoughts?”
Depends on your budget. I’ll give you credit and say you’re smarter than most men in planning this trip out this far in advance. Start setting spending money aside now and get your tickets within the next month or so (http://www.kayak.com and http://www.farecast.com are great for finding deals). If you’re looking to stay in the States, New Orleans is probably the most fun city I’ve ever been to, but it gets hot as all hell. Florence is a phenomenal city with the friendliest of locals. I just came back from a trip to Paris that was incredible as well. Avoid the southern hemisphere, as you’ll be entering their fall/chilly season. Regardless, make sure you save up enough cash. A wise friend of mine once said that being broke and in a relationship were synonymous. Good luck in proving him wrong!
“What is your take on fake glasses? My vision is fine, but I dig the look.”