I very often give people the benefit of the doubt. I guess I’m stupid in that sort of way. In this age of sharing every last, tiny scrap of our lives—every emotion expressed, purchase/splurge made, bar gotten drunk at, meal cleanly devoured, trip eccentrically planned, etc., etc., etc.—I ponder: What is the endgame to the social media revolution? How much do I really want to get to know someone? When I get a new facebook friend request, I almost feel like I have to ask, “Can you promise me that you don’t suck?”
Here I delve into my own social network, the different types of Facebook friends I have, and try to decipher what exactly makes them tick.
1.) Diligent Self-Promoter
Traits: This person always posts about themselves. They very rarely care about political or social issues and are much more inclined to worry about their own well-being. They believe they are owed the world, making it that much sweeter when they don’t get what they want.
2.) Misery Lady
Traits: This person is miserable and wants you to know it. Hell, they want you to feel it. All they ask is for a little of your attention. God forbid you grab dinner, finish up that important report your boss has been asking you for or, Holy Christ, feed the dog without first attending to their needs. My simple advice is to ‘like’ their melancholy status. It’ll keep them away long enough for you to feed both yourself and your pup.
3.) Person Who, in Reality, Has No Life
Traits: You can always tell these people apart from the rest of the pack by their ecstatic facebook statuses regarding the sudden plethora of viable options on a given night. Keep in mind that they have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow or next weekend or the weekend after that and will pounce on the opportunity to do anything if invited out. Approach with caution.
4.) The New Parent
Traits: Euphoria has taken over this person’s life as a result of their newborn baby. Their reality has become a real-life Shangri-La. I don’t want you to think I’m bashing child-bearing; children are a beautiful part of life, a statement as true in my life as it ever has been to any other man. I just fail to see the logic in putting the picture of your child as yourself when you are very clearly different people. Brownie points are awarded if the Facebook user is both Mexican and under 18 years of age or is white and has given their children a unique name.
5.) That Couple
Traits: Oh, yes. You know that couple. Those two who were at once inseparable and it was cute. Remember how happy everyone was when they started dating? It was even a little creepy how adorable they were together, what with being so young and having the world and all odds against them. But that love was so…so pure. So real. And just as quickly as it blossomed, it wilted. Their relationship status fluctuates because they break up with each other every other day. They are still inseparable, but now it’s slightly annoying. You hope one of them gets drafted to the army just so the madness can end.
6.) The Club Rat
Traits: Orange. Simple-minded. Bottle service attracts her. Never having a deep, conscientious thought or, really, anything of interest or value that comes out of her mouth, the Club Rat is best distinguished by her straightened hair, fake tan, push-up bra, constant pulling down of her miniskirt, steady state of inebriation and inability to wait for the weekend where she plans on visiting Vinny from Jersey Shore at Enclave, an idea which she perceives as “Probably her greatest idea ever.” Woof.
7.) The Inspirational Quoter
Traits: Nothing is unattainable to this person. Everything from that big promotion you’ve had your eye on to total social reform, racial equality and, hell, even acing a final you’ve blown off studying for all semester are all completely possible because of some words that famous people have said once a couple hundred years ago. Their drive to look up a new, inspirational quote far exceeds their talent to get their own life on track.
8.) The Publisher
Traits: There is absolutely nothing that this person doesn’t mind sharing. In case you’re wondering what they’ve eaten for breakfast, what song literally just started playing on their Shuffle or the simple fact that they have to go to the store, they will make sure you know. You think they have mistaken Facebook for Twitter.
9.) The Settler
Traits: This person’s life could absolutely be better. While you and your friends are out living life, they enjoy staying in for crosswords, wine and maybe a cute flick like UP or The Proposal with their significant other. In reality, their posting of a status such as this is a plea for help. Keep an eye out and respond accordingly. Guy’s/Girl’s Night Out is called for.
10.) The Popular-But-Not-Really-In-That-Way-Popular One
Traits: This person might not have a ton of facebook friends, but hot-damn, are they all loyal. Anything he says, any jumble of words that seems to spill onto his profile is met with instant critical acclaim. Everything he types is admired, like a bicoastal Greek chorus of praise. He is loved and embraced but, for the life of you, you can’t seem to figure out exactly why.
11.) The Teaser
Traits: You think she’s hot. I mean, she’s got hot eyes, whatever that means. But you can’t tell for sure. This frustrates you because you’re so charming and could easily get this girl, but you’d first like to know if it’s even worth the effort. All of her pictures, you’ve come to see, are of a portion of her face. Some are over-the-shoulder. Some are taken facing a mirror, but the flash has covered her face. Damnit. Regardless, she’s holding the camera in all of her pictures, which you should take as a warning sign. Digress and look elsewhere.
12.) The Class-Act
These people were apparently adorable kids and you’d damn-well better take notice. More often than not, these people put adolescent and prepubescent pictures up because they themselves are curious as to where the hell it all went wrong, how it suddenly went downhill. Other times, like my case for example, they just understand that even at a young, tender and innocent age they were still awesome and would like to share it with the world.
13.) The Suburban White Guy
Traits: Straight-brimmed hat with that round, golden sticker still on it. Attraction to the color powder blue; earrings are trendy with these types. Prefers dropping syllables and other poor forms of communication during daily conversation. Loves, loves, loves Gucci Mane and quotes his music incessantly.
[NOTE: I actually found this picture after describing the Suburban White Guy]
While Nothing Beats the company of a truly interesting person, these types have taken interesting to an extreme, to a place I don’t really care to visit. Believe it or not, I’ve really come to like some of the people that fit each category. Hell, I’ve even dated some women that fit into some of the categories. All interesting people otherwise, really.
So I guess sharing isn’t all that bad. Just be smart about what you put out there. You could be giving off an incredibly overwhelming negative vibe and not even know it.