Oh, hello. how is everyone doing tonight? I’ve got to tell you guys, I’m both excited and challenged to speak here this evening. I’m excited about the opportunity to give something back to a lifestyle that I’ve taken so much from. I’m challenged because I can only hope to get my message across to all of you. Now, something that I truly believe in is immersion. How does one learn a language? You can’t do it by simply learning principles or rules. You learn by getting deep into the art and practicing it so much that it becomes real and, eventually, a part of you. So, are you all ready to hear about my plan on how to get the most out of your bachelorhood? As I’ve promised in my brochures, I speak from experience. Everything I am about to share with you is based on real-life experimentation. My theory has been tested in the lab known as “My Past” by a doctor named “Me.” And the lab rats are, in these cases, club rats.
Now, before we start, I understand that there are some of you who are still unaware of my background and qualifications. So, for your sake, here’s a little bit about me. This is intended solely to help you better understand where I’m coming from and why I may suggest the things that I do later on in this seminar. During my short time on this under-appreciated rock we call home, I have sampled two lives: that of the hopelessly romantic and that of the emotionally unattached. I have practiced self-control as much as I have recklessness. I have acted every bit as much as “Mr. Right” as I have of “Mr. Right Now.” I have been both unselfish and narcissistic, precocious and sophomoric. When I look back at this, I can’t help but think that, as I’ve grown older, I have found it increasingly difficult to compare the lives of others to that of my own. I am constantly dumbfounded when thinking about what friends have been doing—going on dates, asking women out, celebrating anniversaries, getting married, having kids, etc.—with the bullshit I’ve been doing: hitting on strange women with sexy if unintelligible accents, asking several women not out, but rather if they are models, and drinking a little too much followed by wandering the bars and streets until drowsy.
After sampling both of the main courses, I have made one clear decision: Being single trumps all. Any salute to singlehood, whether wanted or not, is a celebration of freedom! The advantages to being single are not limited to the ability to pursue any woman, anytime, anywhere, though those certainly are the most notable bonuses. The advantages are just as much about what you don’t have as much as what you do have. One cannot truly live the dream without both the presence of options and the absence of obligations to a significant other. Gentleman, your presence here tonight means that your goals have changed. You want your mornings to become mornings after. If that sounds like you, then I think it’s safe to say that you’ve come to the right place. Here, my friends, is the path to liberation. Here is the path to you being able to say, on any given night, to any given person, in any given bar, “I’m having more fun than you.”
Though before I proceed, I would like to remind everyone that this seminar is 100% non-refundable.